If the friend of my friend becomes my friend, and the enemy of my friend becomes my enemy, what happens if I have two friends who share an acquaintance who is the friend of one and the enemy of the other? Do I now have three friends, or only two (and which two) or has it dropped to one? There would appear to be some tension here, and no easy answer. Perhaps that is because I am actually starting with the wrong question. Much of the answer lies outside of me. Here are people that I call friends and there are people I don’t. Friendship is something other than acquaintance. Friends require a point of common interest. In his book “The Four Loves” C.S. Lewis writes something to the effect of , that if we share a passion, we can be friends, even if we disagree on the details. Two people who love hockey can be friends, even if they support different teams. Of course, the more passions you have in common, the easier it is to become friends.
So whether the third person becomes my friend will depend largely on what common interests we have – the first of course being our mutual friend who is really just a point of introduction. I do need to get to know this person, and perhaps I will gain a new friend. This triad friendship can be even deeper than the friendship with either of the individuals. Referring back to Lewis, when Charles Williams, who was one of the other Inklings, and arguably his best friend died, Lewis said that it was as if something was missing from each of their common friends as well.
Now suppose my other old friend, the one to whom my new friend is an enemy were to discover my new friendship. This is inevitable, for there should not be secrets between friends. They may come to me with a feeling of betrayal. How could I do this to them? We were friends first. I can explain how my new friend became my friend, and I can try to determine the root of the enmity. Was it a philosophical or dogmatic issue, a past slight, a character flaw (real or perceived) or just a matter of clashing personalities. Ultimately, whether my old friend can accept my new friend and remain my friend is up to them. Sometimes the deeper the love, the deeper the sense of betrayal.
Jesus didn’t talk much about friends, at least not in what was recorded. He talked about neighbours (whom we are to love) and he talked about enemies (whom we are to love) and in the parable of the Good Samaritan he demonstrated that the enemy and the neighbour are often the same person. There is a bit in John 15 where he calls the disciples friends and defines that friendship as following his commands and being willing to lay down one’s life (as he is). Not that we are to judge the quality of our friendships by whether our friends follow our commands, we aren’t Jesus.
I am a person who doesn’t cultivate a lot of friendships. I’m truly surprised when people want to spend time with me. I’m happiest in the company of a few, and am quite content to just be by myself. Perhaps that could change. As Jr Asparagus sings “we could have lunch. I’ll share my Jello”.
Percolations 